So-- Hello 2013, this is me and I'm sick of me. (well-- I'd say for now)
I kept thinking like, me, who'd always want to be out there with my friends and countdown together, suddenly don't want to. Well, at first I thought it was all because of the work and shit I have and I'm tired. Now that I have this alone moment to myself. I suddenly, well, realize why. And-- it was quite sad to really know it and accept it.
Here's the truth on me staying home on the 31st.
I'm scared. Plainly that. Me. Scared.
I've been working too hard that it's getting harder and harder to find time to spend with my friends. At first I was trying my best to do so, but ending up not so good since I have to do shifts. I was tired and sometimes I just wanna sleep and rest. Even when it was my days off, I was tired. Soooo tired that I wish I could have slept all day. I ended up hanging out with my friends.
Soon, I felt like I have to try to be there, or even smile, sometimes. To be among them and to feel being left out. I thought I was getting better at handling those feeling but it seemed like I haven't.
Then I realize that when I was able to find time to spend with them, it was, lonely. I hate social networks. I worked so hard that I couldn't keep up with whatever that was happening, so that was when I see this big gap between me and them.
I hate the gap. Really. But what I hate the most is the feeling of not being part of anything they were talking about. I took half responsible for not asking for information. Somehow I just thought that they could at least fill me in. It didn't happen.
I started to feel like I was getting tired of having to be the one who tried to keep up with the whole thing of being friends (déjà vu, isn't it?). So, with all that, when I have time, and feel like going out, I decided to go with someone who doesn't give me those feelings. With a better point of view in life than before, an important friend once told me that I need to be the one who find my own happiness. So there I was, living with what makes me happy. So I chose to meet with only one when I have time. Because to me, my time that I've spent with her means a lot to me. I never once feel alone when I'm with her.
It was all good. Until recently when I found myself trying so hard to smile and carry on a conversation with others. I don't mind sitting in a room, at a park or a restaurant quietly, not talking at all because I can breathe. But this is suffocating and I was tired of everytime I can't carry on the conversation, dead air, and walk away, leaving me there.
So I came to this as a conclusion, I'm scared of being there but not there. Misfit.
So I stayed home. Lonely, a bit, yes, but I was safe.
And now I'm writing this, crying while writing, of course. Truth hurts.
At least another step of being an adult is to accept the truth and, well, live with it until I can find a solution.
I wonder which will comes first. When I have only one friend left, or when I don't feel a thing at all.
--- This is me
Happy New Year!